When Is a Birth Partner Not a Partner?
This blog is the viewpoint of Denise Bolds & Bold Doula. Copyrighted, 2026.
Over the summer, a social media influencer known as Nurse John went viral for reprimanding a new father who sat on the couch in a hospital room, playing a video game while his wife recovered from childbirth. The post sparked a flood of comments from birth workers who said they see the same behavior among their clients.
I have seen it too. I hold a Master of Social Work degree, and although I do not practice as a social worker, I apply those MSW skills as a Birth Doula to recognize mental health needs. Supporting a wide range of partners and spouses in New York City has taught me this: behavior that seems unhelpful is often a coping mechanism. A video game can be how an overwhelmed partner manages fear.
Still, a real question remains. When is a partner in the birthing space not really a partner? We see the answer long before we reach the labor and delivery room.
It starts at the consultation.
As a Birth Doula, I notice it when a partner talks to me from off camera, refuses to show their face, or stays on their phone during a consultation or childbirth education class. A partner who cannot give focused attention to what is in front of them is telling me something.
Partners have needs too.
Support is not only for the person giving birth. My social work training helps me recognize when a partner may be struggling, but I cannot address what I do not know. Partners should inform their Doula and clinical team about any medical illness or mental health diagnosis, including PTSD and claustrophobia, so we can help them navigate the space. There’s no judgment.
What is not helpful.
A partner who is on the phone so much that they miss what is happening. A partner who becomes combative with clinical staff because they are triggered, when those triggers were never supported or addressed prenatally. A partner who ignores the needs and wishes of the person giving birth and insists that family visit during labor and right after birth. Respect the wishes of the person giving birth. Please listen.
Not all distraction is disengagement.
I have supported families who watched the World Cup, the Super Bowl, or movies, or played video games during labor because that is what they do at home. It is their point of connection, and I understand it.
You get out what you put in.
The partner or second parent contributes to the energy in the room. If you cannot make time to work with the Doula or to listen as your partner communicates their needs, you are already behind. If you are unhappy with the clinical care but do not say so and instead transfer that frustration onto others, it will not help anyone. Including the second parent in the birthing space is just as important as including the person giving birth.
Do not judge too quickly.
What seems strange may be normal. The partner sleeping on the couch may have pulled a double shift, just flown in from out of town and barely made it to the hospital, or been up for four nights with the person giving birth in prodromal labor and finally crashed from exhaustion. They may be on medication that causes sleep. We must consider all of this. But at the end of the day, disrespectful behavior, profanity, and threats of violence will never be tolerated.
Partners are part of the birth team. Prepare, support, and hold them accountable, because everyone in that room deserves to be seen.
Denise Bolds, MSW, Ed.D, CD(DONA), CLC, CBE(ICEA)
Owner, Bold Selah, LLC. Owner, Black Women Do VBAC©
Doula, Childbirth Educator, Mentor, Trainer
DONA International Certified Birth Doula
Bold Doula. "Motherhood by Choice, Not by Chance"
(845) 797-4177
